Love After All - Sample Chapter
Prologue
It was over.
Danielle Camden's stomach churned and twisted. She had to tell him. This couldn't go on a day longer. It wasn't fair to Todd or, frankly, to her either. Mentally she kicked herself for not having the courage to tell him before it had come to this.
"Isn't the temple beautiful this time of year?" Todd asked, as they strolled hand in hand around the temple grounds, which were brightly lit up and sparkling for the Christmas season. Giving her a warm smile, he let go of her hand and slid his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. Danielle returned his smile, but her mind was racing. She had to tell him tonight-but what would she say?
"They must use over a million lights on these trees," Todd said, turning his gaze toward Danielle, his dark brown eyes hinting at a secret.
Danielle looked up into his face, remembering how handsome she'd thought him when they first met. He had glossy chestnut-colored hair and thickly lashed eyes. Dreamy eyes, she'd thought at one time. But even though she still thought he was handsome, she didn't love him.
She sighed. It just wasn't there.
"Danielle? Don't you think the lights look pretty?" he asked.
Danielle nodded absently. She was thinking about the last time she'd ended a relationship. It had been one of the hardest things she'd had to do, because that time she had been in love. And she still remembered how wonderful it felt.
Karl had been almost everything she'd ever wanted. He was handsome, adventurous, spontaneous, funny, and romantic. A ski instructor from Austria, he'd rescued her on the slopes one afternoon when she'd taken a particularly bad fall. He wasn't a member of the Church, but he'd been respectful of her beliefs. Occasionally he'd ask her a question about the Church and then listen carefully as Danielle did her best to answer.
When the ski season ended, Karl planned to go back to Austria for the summer. Since Danielle would be graduating from the University of Utah about the same time, it had seemed written in the stars for them to go to Europe together. Danielle was confident that Karl respected her values, and that their trip, while strengthening their relationship, would not put her in a compromising position. Her family had not approved, but they would not forbid her. They did, however, warn her to consider this step very carefully.
Danielle's two sisters, Miranda and Rachel, also tried to discourage her from traveling to Europe with Karl, but she thought she knew Karl better than they did. He was nothing like either of their husbands. Both of Danielle's sisters had struggled with their marriages, and while Danielle never wanted to experience the heartache they'd each gone through, she couldn't imagine Karl and her disagreeing on anything.
Miranda had married someone who was inactive and her life had been miserable. They'd had different ideas of happiness, different priorities, and she'd felt lonely and neglected. A year after his death, Miranda had married Garrett in the temple and the two were blissfully happy.
Rachel had also endured her share of challenges with her marriage. But she and her husband had worked very hard on their relationship, and Danielle had never seen them happier.
While preparing for the trip, Danielle had felt the little niggling voice of the Spirit warning her, but she hadn't wanted to listen. Fortunately, Heavenly Father hadn't given up on her. Sitting next to Karl at the Salt Lake International Airport, waiting for their flight, Danielle had seen a missionary returning home to his family. At that moment, the crying, laughing, hugging, and joy had penetrated her heart, and the Spirit had given her a glimpse of her future if she went with Karl.
She had been horrified. Even though they weren't married, and even though he knew her standards, she knew that over time he would expect more of her than she was willing to give. Without the blessing of marriage, she couldn't, she wouldn't, take their relationship to that level.
When the call to board sounded over the loudspeaker, Karl stood up and stretched, grinning at her. That was when she'd told him she wasn't going with him after all. He had stared at her blankly, obviously mystified at her sudden change of heart. She wasn't sure she understood either. But she'd been raised to know better, and when push came to shove, everything she'd been taught had surfaced.
Even now she shuddered, remembering his reaction when she'd told him she'd changed her mind. She'd been shocked to see the bewilderment on his face change to irritation and anger before he finally grabbed his carry-ons and stomped toward the gate.
Danielle had felt a curious sense of calm leaving the airport that day, and from that moment on she had made a conscientious effort to change her life. She decided to put her life in order and to only date members of the Church. Then she had met Todd.
"Dani," his voice broke into her thoughts, "I asked if you're getting cold. You looked like you were shivering." Danielle looked up at Todd's concerned face and shook her head silently. She'd met Todd at a Young Adult New Year's dance six months after she'd broken up with Karl. She had noticed him right off because he was limping around with a cast up to his knee. She also noticed him because his dark coloring, contagious smile, and good looks made him stand out from the other guys.
Later that evening they happened to meet at the punch bowl, and Danielle asked how he'd broken his leg. When he'd said "skiing," that was all she needed to hear. They'd talked the rest of the evening, and the next day Todd had called her for a date. Luckily Todd's injury wasn't bad enough to keep him and Danielle from hitting the slopes a few times before the end of the season. Both of them loved outdoor sports and had enjoyed many activities together.
But as much as they had in common, Danielle realized something was missing. Todd was a wonderful person-strong in the gospel, goal-oriented, and committed to their relationship. Her parents and her sisters thought he walked on water. But, still, there was a problem. A big one. Todd had fallen in love with her, but she hadn't fallen in love with him. She'd tried to. As she'd accepted each date with Todd, she kept ignoring the little warning signals she'd felt, hoping she would start to share the feelings he evidently had for her. But she just couldn't convince her heart.
With Karl, she'd been in love, but he wasn't the right guy for her. Todd was the right kind of guy for her, but she didn't love him. He wasn't the first thing she thought of in the morning and the last person she thought of at night. She didn't long for him when they were apart or feel butterflies when they were together.
Why didn't I end this sooner? She should have. Especially when she'd begun to suspect he might give her a ring for Christmas. But she'd kept hoping her heart would eventually agree with her head. It hadn't and now she knew it never would. Nor did it help that Todd's feelings and actions toward her had become possessive and stifling. He wanted to be with her every moment of every day. She had no space, no breathing room.
Danielle noticed that she and Todd had stopped walking and were standing in front of a life-sized nativity scene, a scene so real Danielle half expected one of the sheep to "baa."
"Are you okay?" he asked, peering into her face. "You seem to have a lot on your mind tonight."
"Oh, sorry," she answered quickly. They needed to have a serious talk, but now was not the time or place to tell him. She wanted them to be alone when she gave him the news, not in the middle of Temple Square surrounded by swarms of people. She tugged at the brim of her hat, her blonde hair curling about the bottom and laughed lightly, her voice sounding hollow and awkward. "I'm fine," she said. "Really."
When he'd asked her to come to see the lights on Temple Square, she'd been afraid that he was going to propose. She tried to avoid this possibility by telling him that she and her mother were decorating the family Christmas tree. Unfortunately, her mother had overheard the conversation.
"Go ahead with Todd, dear," she'd said brightly. "We can finish the tree later."
She'd reluctantly agreed to go, and if he sensed the lack of enthusiasm in her voice, he didn't say. Perhaps he was too excited about proposing to notice. But inside she was in knots.
Todd leaned forward to give her a kiss on her forehead, and she fought the urge to pull free from him. Todd was a very "touchy- feely" kind of guy, and as his affection had grown stronger, so had his need to touch her. In fact, at dinner one night, she'd actually had to ask him to let go of her hand so she could eat. Maybe she would have been flattered had her feelings matched his, but they didn't. She'd endured his kisses, waiting for a spark to take hold and grow into something more. But nothing had happened.
He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. "I'm glad you decided to come with me tonight." He led her to a cement bench overlooking the nativity scene, near the tabernacle.
"Danielle," he spoke softly. "I have something to give you. I have something for you."
Danielle stiffened. Please, she prayed, not the ring. Not here. "It's kind of cold out here, Todd," she said. "Maybe we should just go. You can give it to me in the car."
"It won't take long," he said. They sat down, Danielle's heart thumping wildly in her chest. This isn't happening, she told herself. He's not giving me the ring. He can't be!
Todd smiled at her, with a gleam in his eye. It was obvious what he was about to do.
"Todd, wait-" she began, forcing herself to speak.
"In a minute," he interrupted her. "Just let me say this first." He paused, as if gathering his thoughts, then said, "Danielle, I think you know how I feel about you. I love you and I've prayed earnestly and fasted over this many times. And, well . . ." He slid from the bench and perched himself on one knee. Danielle shut her eyes, suppressing the urge to cry out.
He pulled a ring box from his coat. "Danielle, will you marry me?"
Danielle felt faint. She closed her eyes again and drew in several deep breaths, trying to get some oxygen to her brain. The last thing she wanted to do was pass out and attract a crowd. But when she opened her eyes, she realized it was too late. A crowd of people, noticing Todd on his knee, proposing to her-on the temple grounds, no less-had already gathered.
Opening her eyes, she looked at him, kneeling before her, wishing with every fiber of her being that she cared for him, even half as much as he cared for her. What is wrong with me? she wondered. Why can't I just love you like everyone else does?
"Oh, Todd," was all she could say as tears quickly collected in her eyes and trickled onto her cheeks.
Taking that as a "yes," Todd took the ring from the box and placed it on her finger as her tears came faster. The crowd clapped and cheered, thinking they were watching a happy couple become engaged. Most likely they would go home and tell others about the "proposal" they'd seen at the temple that evening, beneath the sparkling Christmas lights and falling snow.
Little did they know that an hour later Danielle would return the ring.
"I can't do it, Todd," Danielle told him as they sat in the car in front of her house. "I can't marry you." She shut her eyes and prayed that he would understand and that the Lord would give her the right words to say "But the ring . . . ," he stammered, "the temple . . . , you said yes." The pain in his voice, the hurt in his eyes, nearly broke her heart.
"No, Todd, I didn't." Danielle knew this was the last thing he expected from her, but she couldn't go through with a marriage out of obligation or pity. She slid the ring from her finger and looked at it again. It was dainty and elegant, simple yet beautiful. Again she searched deep inside for any shred of love for him. But it just wasn't there. When it came down to being honest with her feelings, she knew she just couldn't marry him. She didn't love him as a woman should love her future husband. But she sincerely hoped that he would find a woman who did.
Still, he said he'd fasted and prayed to get an answer. Had Todd really received a confirmation that she was the right one for him? If so, why hadn't she been informed?
She wasn't the most spiritual person in the world, that was true, but she felt that her spirituality was growing. She'd stopped dating nonmembers and had become more involved in the Church and more dedicated to the gospel. She'd gulped down her fear and accepted a call to work in the Primary teaching the CTR 6 class. The call had surprised her, but she had quickly come to love "her children," as she called them, and they had filled an empty place in her heart.
Even though the Primary lessons were simple, they'd had a profound effect on Danielle. As she'd prepared her lessons and taught them, she'd felt the power of the Holy Ghost and had decided to do everything in her power to keep it with her always.
But she'd never felt any promptings of the Spirit urging her to marry Todd. As often as she herself had prayed and fasted, never once did she get that message. But Todd had. Again she wondered, how did that happen?
"I'm sorry, Todd," she said as she handed him the ring. "I can't marry you."
"But why?" he asked, his words etched with pain.
Wasn't it hard enough already? Was he actually going to force her to say it? From the look on his face, Danielle realized that she needed to tell him how she felt. But how did she tell him that even though she'd known all along that her feelings hadn't been as strong as his, she'd honestly thought her feelings for him would grow deeper? But they hadn't. It hadn't helped matters that her family and friends all told her repeatedly what an incredible catch Todd was, and what a great couple she and Todd made. That, along with her own desire for a meaningful relationship, had made it confusing and difficult to recognize what she really felt.
Other people managed to figure out who to marry. Why couldn't she? What was she doing so wrong that the Spirit couldn't get through to her? Or was she just too dense to recognize that still, small voice? She knew the minute her family, friends, and even ward members heard that Todd had proposed and she'd turned him down, she was going to get looks and lectures that would chill her bones. How did I get myself into this? she asked herself once more.
"I just don't love you, Todd," she said, the words feeling heavy and awkward as she spoke. "I'm sorry."
Todd stared at the ring a long moment before shoving it into his shirt pocket, then he slammed the steering wheel with his fist. Danielle jumped at his unexpected display of anger.
"So this was just a game to you?" he said bitterly. "You were just out to play with my head, is that it?"
"No, that wasn't it at all," she said defensively. How dare he accuse her of that!
"I cared about you," she said, "and we had fun dating. Then you started talking about marriage, and I . . ." Her voice trailed off. How could she tell him she had hoped she would eventually fall in love with him, but she hadn't?
"I've told everyone I was going to give you a ring," he said, looking out at the falling snow. "I had no idea you would say no. How could you do this to me? What am I going to tell my friends and my family?"
Was that all he was worried about? Wounded pride? This wasn't going to be easy for her either. She was the one who called off their relationship. He would receive sympathy and support; she'd only get curious stares and harsh judgment. She could hear her family now. I can't believe it. You broke up with him? What is wrong with you? He's perfect.
She swallowed, not looking forward to telling her family. "Maybe you should have talked to me first," she said. "I mean, you only told me last week that you loved me. And I didn't say it back, remember?"
His eyes narrowed. "Why didn't you say something then?" His words were sharp and cutting.
"At the time I was so surprised, I didn't expect it," she replied, choosing her words carefully, trying to calm him down. "I guess it kind of scared me. I didn't know what to say."
"Well, that's just great," he muttered. He glared at her for a moment. "Tell me something, Danielle Camden. What exactly are you holding out for? Perfection?" He laughed without amusement. "I don't know exactly what you think you deserve, but you're never going to find it. Do you think you're ever going to find anyone as good as me?"
Danielle wasn't sure she'd heard him right. "Excuse me?" she said.
"Face it, Danielle," he laughed harshly. "It's not like you have guys lined up at your door. You're going to end up marrying some loser down the road just because you're desperate. Or you'll end up alone for the rest of your life."
She knew she'd wounded his ego, but now he was making her mad. Her first impulse was to tell him exactly how she felt, to knock him down another notch or two. But she knew it wouldn't do any good, and frankly, she didn't want to sit there and be his verbal punching bag.
"Maybe so," she said calmly, "but I wish you the best, Todd. I really do." She opened the car door and climbed out. "I'm sorry-"
Without warning, he punched the gas and took off like a rocket, spraying Danielle from head to foot with slushy snow.
"And a Merry Christmas to you, too," she said as he fishtailed down the road and out of sight. Wiping the icy mess from her face, she steeled herself to face her parents. "Might as well get it over with," she muttered. Taking a deep breath, she took a step, lost her footing on the icy concrete, and nearly fell. She steadied herself as Todd's words echoed in her mind-" . . . marry some loser because you're desperate or . . . end up alone."
"That's what you think!" she yelled after him. "I'll show you." Marry some loser indeed!
It was over.
Danielle Camden's stomach churned and twisted. She had to tell him. This couldn't go on a day longer. It wasn't fair to Todd or, frankly, to her either. Mentally she kicked herself for not having the courage to tell him before it had come to this.
"Isn't the temple beautiful this time of year?" Todd asked, as they strolled hand in hand around the temple grounds, which were brightly lit up and sparkling for the Christmas season. Giving her a warm smile, he let go of her hand and slid his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close. Danielle returned his smile, but her mind was racing. She had to tell him tonight-but what would she say?
"They must use over a million lights on these trees," Todd said, turning his gaze toward Danielle, his dark brown eyes hinting at a secret.
Danielle looked up into his face, remembering how handsome she'd thought him when they first met. He had glossy chestnut-colored hair and thickly lashed eyes. Dreamy eyes, she'd thought at one time. But even though she still thought he was handsome, she didn't love him.
She sighed. It just wasn't there.
"Danielle? Don't you think the lights look pretty?" he asked.
Danielle nodded absently. She was thinking about the last time she'd ended a relationship. It had been one of the hardest things she'd had to do, because that time she had been in love. And she still remembered how wonderful it felt.
Karl had been almost everything she'd ever wanted. He was handsome, adventurous, spontaneous, funny, and romantic. A ski instructor from Austria, he'd rescued her on the slopes one afternoon when she'd taken a particularly bad fall. He wasn't a member of the Church, but he'd been respectful of her beliefs. Occasionally he'd ask her a question about the Church and then listen carefully as Danielle did her best to answer.
When the ski season ended, Karl planned to go back to Austria for the summer. Since Danielle would be graduating from the University of Utah about the same time, it had seemed written in the stars for them to go to Europe together. Danielle was confident that Karl respected her values, and that their trip, while strengthening their relationship, would not put her in a compromising position. Her family had not approved, but they would not forbid her. They did, however, warn her to consider this step very carefully.
Danielle's two sisters, Miranda and Rachel, also tried to discourage her from traveling to Europe with Karl, but she thought she knew Karl better than they did. He was nothing like either of their husbands. Both of Danielle's sisters had struggled with their marriages, and while Danielle never wanted to experience the heartache they'd each gone through, she couldn't imagine Karl and her disagreeing on anything.
Miranda had married someone who was inactive and her life had been miserable. They'd had different ideas of happiness, different priorities, and she'd felt lonely and neglected. A year after his death, Miranda had married Garrett in the temple and the two were blissfully happy.
Rachel had also endured her share of challenges with her marriage. But she and her husband had worked very hard on their relationship, and Danielle had never seen them happier.
While preparing for the trip, Danielle had felt the little niggling voice of the Spirit warning her, but she hadn't wanted to listen. Fortunately, Heavenly Father hadn't given up on her. Sitting next to Karl at the Salt Lake International Airport, waiting for their flight, Danielle had seen a missionary returning home to his family. At that moment, the crying, laughing, hugging, and joy had penetrated her heart, and the Spirit had given her a glimpse of her future if she went with Karl.
She had been horrified. Even though they weren't married, and even though he knew her standards, she knew that over time he would expect more of her than she was willing to give. Without the blessing of marriage, she couldn't, she wouldn't, take their relationship to that level.
When the call to board sounded over the loudspeaker, Karl stood up and stretched, grinning at her. That was when she'd told him she wasn't going with him after all. He had stared at her blankly, obviously mystified at her sudden change of heart. She wasn't sure she understood either. But she'd been raised to know better, and when push came to shove, everything she'd been taught had surfaced.
Even now she shuddered, remembering his reaction when she'd told him she'd changed her mind. She'd been shocked to see the bewilderment on his face change to irritation and anger before he finally grabbed his carry-ons and stomped toward the gate.
Danielle had felt a curious sense of calm leaving the airport that day, and from that moment on she had made a conscientious effort to change her life. She decided to put her life in order and to only date members of the Church. Then she had met Todd.
"Dani," his voice broke into her thoughts, "I asked if you're getting cold. You looked like you were shivering." Danielle looked up at Todd's concerned face and shook her head silently. She'd met Todd at a Young Adult New Year's dance six months after she'd broken up with Karl. She had noticed him right off because he was limping around with a cast up to his knee. She also noticed him because his dark coloring, contagious smile, and good looks made him stand out from the other guys.
Later that evening they happened to meet at the punch bowl, and Danielle asked how he'd broken his leg. When he'd said "skiing," that was all she needed to hear. They'd talked the rest of the evening, and the next day Todd had called her for a date. Luckily Todd's injury wasn't bad enough to keep him and Danielle from hitting the slopes a few times before the end of the season. Both of them loved outdoor sports and had enjoyed many activities together.
But as much as they had in common, Danielle realized something was missing. Todd was a wonderful person-strong in the gospel, goal-oriented, and committed to their relationship. Her parents and her sisters thought he walked on water. But, still, there was a problem. A big one. Todd had fallen in love with her, but she hadn't fallen in love with him. She'd tried to. As she'd accepted each date with Todd, she kept ignoring the little warning signals she'd felt, hoping she would start to share the feelings he evidently had for her. But she just couldn't convince her heart.
With Karl, she'd been in love, but he wasn't the right guy for her. Todd was the right kind of guy for her, but she didn't love him. He wasn't the first thing she thought of in the morning and the last person she thought of at night. She didn't long for him when they were apart or feel butterflies when they were together.
Why didn't I end this sooner? She should have. Especially when she'd begun to suspect he might give her a ring for Christmas. But she'd kept hoping her heart would eventually agree with her head. It hadn't and now she knew it never would. Nor did it help that Todd's feelings and actions toward her had become possessive and stifling. He wanted to be with her every moment of every day. She had no space, no breathing room.
Danielle noticed that she and Todd had stopped walking and were standing in front of a life-sized nativity scene, a scene so real Danielle half expected one of the sheep to "baa."
"Are you okay?" he asked, peering into her face. "You seem to have a lot on your mind tonight."
"Oh, sorry," she answered quickly. They needed to have a serious talk, but now was not the time or place to tell him. She wanted them to be alone when she gave him the news, not in the middle of Temple Square surrounded by swarms of people. She tugged at the brim of her hat, her blonde hair curling about the bottom and laughed lightly, her voice sounding hollow and awkward. "I'm fine," she said. "Really."
When he'd asked her to come to see the lights on Temple Square, she'd been afraid that he was going to propose. She tried to avoid this possibility by telling him that she and her mother were decorating the family Christmas tree. Unfortunately, her mother had overheard the conversation.
"Go ahead with Todd, dear," she'd said brightly. "We can finish the tree later."
She'd reluctantly agreed to go, and if he sensed the lack of enthusiasm in her voice, he didn't say. Perhaps he was too excited about proposing to notice. But inside she was in knots.
Todd leaned forward to give her a kiss on her forehead, and she fought the urge to pull free from him. Todd was a very "touchy- feely" kind of guy, and as his affection had grown stronger, so had his need to touch her. In fact, at dinner one night, she'd actually had to ask him to let go of her hand so she could eat. Maybe she would have been flattered had her feelings matched his, but they didn't. She'd endured his kisses, waiting for a spark to take hold and grow into something more. But nothing had happened.
He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. "I'm glad you decided to come with me tonight." He led her to a cement bench overlooking the nativity scene, near the tabernacle.
"Danielle," he spoke softly. "I have something to give you. I have something for you."
Danielle stiffened. Please, she prayed, not the ring. Not here. "It's kind of cold out here, Todd," she said. "Maybe we should just go. You can give it to me in the car."
"It won't take long," he said. They sat down, Danielle's heart thumping wildly in her chest. This isn't happening, she told herself. He's not giving me the ring. He can't be!
Todd smiled at her, with a gleam in his eye. It was obvious what he was about to do.
"Todd, wait-" she began, forcing herself to speak.
"In a minute," he interrupted her. "Just let me say this first." He paused, as if gathering his thoughts, then said, "Danielle, I think you know how I feel about you. I love you and I've prayed earnestly and fasted over this many times. And, well . . ." He slid from the bench and perched himself on one knee. Danielle shut her eyes, suppressing the urge to cry out.
He pulled a ring box from his coat. "Danielle, will you marry me?"
Danielle felt faint. She closed her eyes again and drew in several deep breaths, trying to get some oxygen to her brain. The last thing she wanted to do was pass out and attract a crowd. But when she opened her eyes, she realized it was too late. A crowd of people, noticing Todd on his knee, proposing to her-on the temple grounds, no less-had already gathered.
Opening her eyes, she looked at him, kneeling before her, wishing with every fiber of her being that she cared for him, even half as much as he cared for her. What is wrong with me? she wondered. Why can't I just love you like everyone else does?
"Oh, Todd," was all she could say as tears quickly collected in her eyes and trickled onto her cheeks.
Taking that as a "yes," Todd took the ring from the box and placed it on her finger as her tears came faster. The crowd clapped and cheered, thinking they were watching a happy couple become engaged. Most likely they would go home and tell others about the "proposal" they'd seen at the temple that evening, beneath the sparkling Christmas lights and falling snow.
Little did they know that an hour later Danielle would return the ring.
"I can't do it, Todd," Danielle told him as they sat in the car in front of her house. "I can't marry you." She shut her eyes and prayed that he would understand and that the Lord would give her the right words to say "But the ring . . . ," he stammered, "the temple . . . , you said yes." The pain in his voice, the hurt in his eyes, nearly broke her heart.
"No, Todd, I didn't." Danielle knew this was the last thing he expected from her, but she couldn't go through with a marriage out of obligation or pity. She slid the ring from her finger and looked at it again. It was dainty and elegant, simple yet beautiful. Again she searched deep inside for any shred of love for him. But it just wasn't there. When it came down to being honest with her feelings, she knew she just couldn't marry him. She didn't love him as a woman should love her future husband. But she sincerely hoped that he would find a woman who did.
Still, he said he'd fasted and prayed to get an answer. Had Todd really received a confirmation that she was the right one for him? If so, why hadn't she been informed?
She wasn't the most spiritual person in the world, that was true, but she felt that her spirituality was growing. She'd stopped dating nonmembers and had become more involved in the Church and more dedicated to the gospel. She'd gulped down her fear and accepted a call to work in the Primary teaching the CTR 6 class. The call had surprised her, but she had quickly come to love "her children," as she called them, and they had filled an empty place in her heart.
Even though the Primary lessons were simple, they'd had a profound effect on Danielle. As she'd prepared her lessons and taught them, she'd felt the power of the Holy Ghost and had decided to do everything in her power to keep it with her always.
But she'd never felt any promptings of the Spirit urging her to marry Todd. As often as she herself had prayed and fasted, never once did she get that message. But Todd had. Again she wondered, how did that happen?
"I'm sorry, Todd," she said as she handed him the ring. "I can't marry you."
"But why?" he asked, his words etched with pain.
Wasn't it hard enough already? Was he actually going to force her to say it? From the look on his face, Danielle realized that she needed to tell him how she felt. But how did she tell him that even though she'd known all along that her feelings hadn't been as strong as his, she'd honestly thought her feelings for him would grow deeper? But they hadn't. It hadn't helped matters that her family and friends all told her repeatedly what an incredible catch Todd was, and what a great couple she and Todd made. That, along with her own desire for a meaningful relationship, had made it confusing and difficult to recognize what she really felt.
Other people managed to figure out who to marry. Why couldn't she? What was she doing so wrong that the Spirit couldn't get through to her? Or was she just too dense to recognize that still, small voice? She knew the minute her family, friends, and even ward members heard that Todd had proposed and she'd turned him down, she was going to get looks and lectures that would chill her bones. How did I get myself into this? she asked herself once more.
"I just don't love you, Todd," she said, the words feeling heavy and awkward as she spoke. "I'm sorry."
Todd stared at the ring a long moment before shoving it into his shirt pocket, then he slammed the steering wheel with his fist. Danielle jumped at his unexpected display of anger.
"So this was just a game to you?" he said bitterly. "You were just out to play with my head, is that it?"
"No, that wasn't it at all," she said defensively. How dare he accuse her of that!
"I cared about you," she said, "and we had fun dating. Then you started talking about marriage, and I . . ." Her voice trailed off. How could she tell him she had hoped she would eventually fall in love with him, but she hadn't?
"I've told everyone I was going to give you a ring," he said, looking out at the falling snow. "I had no idea you would say no. How could you do this to me? What am I going to tell my friends and my family?"
Was that all he was worried about? Wounded pride? This wasn't going to be easy for her either. She was the one who called off their relationship. He would receive sympathy and support; she'd only get curious stares and harsh judgment. She could hear her family now. I can't believe it. You broke up with him? What is wrong with you? He's perfect.
She swallowed, not looking forward to telling her family. "Maybe you should have talked to me first," she said. "I mean, you only told me last week that you loved me. And I didn't say it back, remember?"
His eyes narrowed. "Why didn't you say something then?" His words were sharp and cutting.
"At the time I was so surprised, I didn't expect it," she replied, choosing her words carefully, trying to calm him down. "I guess it kind of scared me. I didn't know what to say."
"Well, that's just great," he muttered. He glared at her for a moment. "Tell me something, Danielle Camden. What exactly are you holding out for? Perfection?" He laughed without amusement. "I don't know exactly what you think you deserve, but you're never going to find it. Do you think you're ever going to find anyone as good as me?"
Danielle wasn't sure she'd heard him right. "Excuse me?" she said.
"Face it, Danielle," he laughed harshly. "It's not like you have guys lined up at your door. You're going to end up marrying some loser down the road just because you're desperate. Or you'll end up alone for the rest of your life."
She knew she'd wounded his ego, but now he was making her mad. Her first impulse was to tell him exactly how she felt, to knock him down another notch or two. But she knew it wouldn't do any good, and frankly, she didn't want to sit there and be his verbal punching bag.
"Maybe so," she said calmly, "but I wish you the best, Todd. I really do." She opened the car door and climbed out. "I'm sorry-"
Without warning, he punched the gas and took off like a rocket, spraying Danielle from head to foot with slushy snow.
"And a Merry Christmas to you, too," she said as he fishtailed down the road and out of sight. Wiping the icy mess from her face, she steeled herself to face her parents. "Might as well get it over with," she muttered. Taking a deep breath, she took a step, lost her footing on the icy concrete, and nearly fell. She steadied herself as Todd's words echoed in her mind-" . . . marry some loser because you're desperate or . . . end up alone."
"That's what you think!" she yelled after him. "I'll show you." Marry some loser indeed!
